How the fuck did we get here?
You do the same kind of favour for the same kind of person,
for the same kind of crappy reasons.
End up in the same kind of situation.
God, we've come a long way, mate.
(Laughs)
You're a good man, Fred.
Is that right, Chairman?
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's right.
You know, this stuff's...
getting the better of my lungs. It's bastard stuff.
Right. Fight on that, you fuckers.
Oh, God, mate.
I almost wish I was coming with you,
firing up the old Bonneville and...
heading out into mountain country with you.
Didn't know you could ride a bike, Chairman.
It's in here, Fred.
I've put some miles down right in here.
That's where most people do their journeys.
In 'ere.
You're welcome to get on the back of the Bandit.
Point is I can't.
I've gotta stay here.
Fight my own battle.
You are gonna do this for me, aren't you?
Yeah.
Good. That's good, mate.
This, er, grass is meant to be very special,
especially bred for the UK climate.
Pure gold.
Now, I know I asked you just to set something up with this guy,
you know, have a nice weekend in the country...
but I really need you to bring something back.
And I don't care...
how you do it.
We'll be all right, Chairman, we'll be all right.
Because I really need this.
shit.
That's the trouble with me.
I have to be in too many places at once.
Too many places, too many people.
Oh!
Bugger.
You OK, Chairman?
Yeah.
I saw Hendrix on the Isle of Wight.
That was a fucking trip.
Anyway, so, you looking forward to this?
Yeah.
You don't sound too excited.
Are you excited?
Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Good.
so who are you taking?
Tyg and Grouch.
Find the fucking hippy.
(snores)
I'll make some coffee.
# May the road rise to meet you
# May the wind be at your back
# May the sun shine warm upon your face
# May the hills caress you
# May the lakes and rivers bless you
# With all your heart desires #
(Door buzzer)
- Hello, mate. - How are you, Terry?
- Where are you off to? - Wales.
M3. A303.
M4.
- Wales the country, not Wales city. - No, country.
How are you crossing? Old bridge or new bridge?
- Old bridge. - Nice ride.
- Be well, Terry. - Take it easy, mate.
Morning, Fred.
Morning.
- Ring the doorbell enough times? - I'm really looking forward to this.
One good, hard weekend, blow out all the cobwebs.
Two mysterious fellas drive into a local town,
a gang of village idiots gives them the eye.
Three.
What do you mean three? Who else is coming?
Oh, no. Not the Grouch, Fred.
(Laughs)
Ah, look at the state of him. He's absolutely steaming.
What?
- What? - You.
- Me? - Yes, you.
You ever get those?
- What? - Flashbacks.
That was not a flashback, Grouch.
- That was the present. - No, that was definitely a flashback.
That hasn't been a guinea pig for months.
(Fred) Big night last night?
Not big but ish, you know.
- Biggish. - No, just ish.
God, what a beautiful day for a bike ride.
Grouch, tell me something.
How could you suffer a flashback when you're permanently fucked?
For all you know, this could be 1987.
Now, that is weird.
Glastonbury '87.
Red fields, nuns with udders, flying burger vans.
That cropped up a few days ago.
Eh. I'm not permanently fucked.
You are, Grouch.
(Laughs)
so, can we go, then? Lively?
Haven't you got a kid down that way?
- Why? - Well, we could pop in and say hello.
I don't think so, Grouch.
Come on.
- Is the van all loaded? - Yeah.
The boys. All fired up?
- Yeah. - They're desperate to get up to Wales.
(Tyres screech)
Guzz.
He'd be 40 today, you know.
Makes me sick when I think what Iron Horse did to him.
Yeah.
Right. Let's hit the road.
All right, Fred, I admit it. I'm carrying an offensive weapon.
Or two if you really want to get personal.
But that can't be the reason you're Mr Moody today.
so why don't you get it off your chest, then we can move on, have a good time.
- We're not gonna get a pull, are we? - Are you having a laugh?
You've got "pull me and search me" written all over you. How much stuff have you got?
Just a bit of personal, that's all.
serious, Fred.
Well, serious as the word serious can be.
Look, that's all I got.
(Laughs)
There's enough shit in there, man, to kill a horse.
I'm just being on the safe side.
What a spanner, lads. Look, look.
Oh, man. If he's some kind of flashback, I've gotta get a grip, man.
He-hey.
- Freddy. How's it flowing? - Good. How are you?
- Oh, you know, Freddy... - Tosser.
so how come you guys are around so early? Are you just re-entering from the night?
I've gotta go have a dump.
- We're going to Wales for the weekend. - Whoa. Nice ride.
Good people.
How about you?
I just dropped some ass back home.
Had a reunion, Planet Hollywood, last night. Met Bruce Willis.
How was the Willis?
- Bruce was cool. - Nice.
(Fred) Could you do me a favour, Marl?
Could you look after this for me for the weekend?
Fred.
I'm not having it, Tyg.
I'm leaving a little bit of puff and some mushrooms.
That's it.
Listen, Marl.
Would you look after these as well?
You're right, Fred.
I mean, all I wanna do...
is have a nice weekend, me, you and Grouch. No ag.
That's the lot.
Honestly.
OK. see you guys...
on the flipside.
Where are you now, chicken?
Baby, you know I loves ya.
And I love you too, chicken.
You got the right ingredient.
You got the right...
cells that link up with mine.
If someone had told me a year ago
I was gonna fall in love with someone who didn't like bikes,
let alone never been on the back of one,
I'd have probably skinned up a great, big, fat one and said, "Give us a blowback",
or "Pass us that bong," or "Eat up those knives."
And I know it's not just for me.
You've done it for us.
Well, there you go. I haven't even had a toke on a joint in six weeks.
I love you, Lionel.
I love you too, babes.
(Tyg) Grouchy, they're stacking up out here. Let's go. Lively.
All right, lads, come on. Let's go and have a lovely weekend.
And if we find this hippy, I'll be the first one to skin up.
Don't worry, Fred, I've saved you the bother.
Right. 54 teas, 30 with sugar.
54 bacon sandwiches.
32 with ketchup, 21 with brown sauce and one with mustard. OK?
And get something for yourself.
# Let's go to the place where the sun meets the sky
# We're gonna get loaded, gonna get high
# We're gonna have a real good time
# Let's go to the place where the sun meets the sky
# Gonna get loaded, gonna get high #
What are you doing, Grouch?
- Why did you turn off, mate? - Come here, boys.
Nice and quiet.
- What are you doing, Grouch? - sh.
Look down my arm, through my fingers.
- What for? - Just do it, Tyg.
see it?
see what?
It's a big black cat.
so it's a cat. You get them in London, Grouch.
- (Motorbikes approach) - Whoa! The boys are back in town.
That's not your old posse, is it, Grouch? The Crazy Mopeds?
They're the Wessex Men.
Where they off?
some seaside town, probably.
Well, let's hope so. They shouldn't be so deep into here.
Maybe we should let the law know about the cat.
That's not normal pussy, man.
That is well dodgy pussy.
Grouch. In the Top 40 of good ideas, that's just charted at around fuck all.
You saw it, though, didn't you, Fred?
Yeah, I saw it. But it ain't doing anybody any harm, is it, Grouch?
Leave it in peace.
Let it go.
Let it run free.
Macca's message.
What's that?
Let it be.
(They laugh)
Where do you reckon this, er, hippy is, then, Fred?
According to these maps, he's somewhere around here, mate.
According to those maps, Fred...
I'm in the middle of Wales. According to my petrol tank, I've done southern Europe.
Why don't you let old Grouchy have a look at 'em? He's got a nose for dope.
Different in the countryside, eh, Tyg?
Yeah, you're telling me, Grouch.
Yeah. Holds lots of secrets.
stories waiting to be plucked from the air to fuel the imagination.
There are spirits everywhere.
sh.
(Whispers) Listen.
Grouch, none of that because I'm not gonna get off my tits with you tonight, do you hear?
Fred.
I don't think we're gonna find this fella tonight. Do you?
should camp here, eh?
Let's build a fire.
shall I go and kill something? I'm starving.
- Maybe a bit of tandoori badger, Fred. - Do me.
- Got any speed on you, Grouch? - Yeah.
Just hang on. Let me build this joint.
You're a real pro, you are, son.
What's that smell, Fred?
It stinks around here. It's disgusting.
That's the country.
No, that's me. I'm having a dump.
Oh, you dirty bastard, Grouch.
skinning up whilst having a shit.
It's only natural. I'll bury it in a minute.
That is not natural. something wrong with you, Grouch.
Come on, let's go find a boozer. Let that die down a bit.
- Come on. - Hang on, lads.
But it's only half out.
(Fred) Come on.
(Motorbike approaches)
Oi.
What's the matter with him, Fred?
(Grouch) Come in, Fred.
Better not go in there. Better go now-ish.
- Why? We're not gonna cause any ag. - Too right.
- That's his bike. - Whose bike?
I can't remember, but I'll never forget his face.
I say we go in and have a pint.
If the tart gets a bit lemon, I'll drop him.
No, no. You don't understand. We've got him.
And he's part of Iron Horse, who I don't want to see parked up here.
And the Wessex Men in the area, who I don't want to know,
to me that says find alternative venue.
Listen to him, Fred, "Iron Horse."
More like the Plastic fucking Ponies, Grouch.
Don't take the name in vain.
- Chop on, Grouch. - sh.
some things are bigger, you know.
Well, tell us why you don't want to see him.
Now, if you must know, I think I sold him and some of his mates
some fake acid at Glastonbury a few years ago.
Think or you know?
90 percent sure.
I have to allow for that ten percent of my brain that is in constant turmoil.
Right, listen, Grouchy. It's the weekend.
Now, I'm prepared to invest time and money turning myself into a gibbering wreck.
Now, where do we, us,
have to go to achieve this, eh?
All right, Grouch, let's find somewhere else to have a laugh. OK?
Like where, Fred?
(Phone rings)
sounds like your boyfriend's here, siobhan.
Whatever you say, Twizzle.
(Dog yelps)
(siobhan) Not you.
Wipe your feet.
Now go and sit over there, and I'll bring you a bottle of pop and your packet of crisps.
Where they gone to get the food?
Fucking Harrods?
(Breathes heavily)
You stop that.
And you make sure you don't get hurt tomorrow.
(slurps)
(# Folk music)
Here. I'm off to the loo.
Need a little line of speed, keep my equilibrium right.
- Can I come, Grouch? - Yeah. I'll rack 'em up.
sweet work. sweet.
Fred. Get the drinks in, son.
Yee-yee!
so... this is the last of the bagged stuff, yeah?
What's the prediction for tomorrow? How many against us?
Three.
(Laughs)
I think there's gonna be a lot more than that.
And I'd make yourself scarce if I was you.
It made me think, you know, coming down to this part of the world.
I gotta get out and about more.
Have a look around.
When was the last time you went outside of London, Tyg?
That's the thing with bikes, Tyg, you gotta use them.
Not just for work, not for all that shit,
but for fun.
Always remember, most people become what they hate,
you can be what you like.
Yeah, you're right, Grouch.
Totally bloody right.
I haven't been here, there and everywhere.
Only got a bike to do a bit couriering.
Then I started to get into it.
That's cool. so what you been up to, man?
I was busy.
I got into the stolen radio cassette business.
Then the TV and video lark.
And then of all things,
garden furniture.
You used to nick garden furniture?
Well, I was doing a lot of speed at the time, so I had a lot of evenings on me hands.
Always fancied a sundial.
- (Laughs) - Is he still boring you with bike stories?
When I bought my first motorbike... Well, I say bike,
moped,
Yamaha Fs1 E.
No, that was the s-H-I-T, I believe.
I worked evenings in the summer for that one.
Took it home, rode it round the garden for a week,
then the bloody thing blew up.
My old man was a wanker.
He just stood by the porch half pissed, telling me I'd wasted all my money.
I went upstairs, sank into depression.
Tears.
Pink Floyd.
The only thing wrong with my old man...
he used to splash on a bit too much cheap aftershave.
- How about you? - What?
Did you ever shed a tear?
Yeah. I used to cry when Lassie got hurt.
Did ya?
Of course I didn't.
My old mum used to go and do the laundry...
every saturday morning.
It's the only time my old man had to look after me.
And every saturday morning...
he would bound and gag me.
And piss off down to the bookies.
He'd tell me that we were playing cowboys and Indians, and that I was an Indian.
Get home just in time before Mum and untie me.
That was our secret for years.
some fucking game, eh?
(Grouch laughs)
sorry, Tyg.
(# Rock music)
Everything OK, lads?
Looking forward to it, sulph.
Nice ride,
nice part of the country.
You up for it, Doey?
Yeah. It's...
cool for me.
- (Laughs) - Where are you, Phil? Phil!
Eh?
Oh.
sorry, sulph. I...
Miles away.
Look, Phil, you got absolutely nothing to worry about.
Tomorrow we sort out what's left of Iron Horse and Twizzle.
We pay 'em back.
For what they did to Guzz.
Anyway, that's tomorrow.
Tonight's tonight and tonight we party.
so who's got the grass?
Tell me you're fucking joking.
I love the country.
You just can't beat it, man.
How long did you live down this way for, Fred?
Few years.
(Motorbike)
That's him.
- Who? - It's the bike at the pub.
They're coming to get you, Grouch.
- That ain't funny, Tyg. - You fucked over an Angel.
You crossed the line.
You went where mortals fear to tread.
Now you must pay. They gonna come and collect.
- Don't, Tyg. Just don't. - I think you should sleep with one eye open.
Eh. Let's just get some kip, all right?
(Laughs)
Have it on that, Fred.
I guess I gonna sleep good.
(They laugh)
# The door's wide open
# You can come through
# I still feel a burning in my heart for you
Very funny, lads.
# I can see them as straight as a blade of grass
# I can hear your voice whisper on the wind as it passed
# But it gets so lonely out here on the road
# I've been gone for so long
# Now I'm coming home
# I've got wings to fly my restless soul
# I've got hands to hold but I can't let go
# Like an eagle flying through the night
# I'm coming home to what I know is right
Where are you now, chicken?
Don't break me, babe.
I'm doing the best I can under difficult circumstances.
Well, you keep yourself safe.
see you Monday.
I'll see you then.
Then I'm gonna get straight.
# The ship sails outta sight through the forest in the rain
# And I'm left standing on my own
# What a fool I've been again
# And I know when I look in your eyes, we can do it
# Walking on the shoreline is a lonely place too
# Seeing your face gives me strength when I'm not brave
# When it all falls down around me
# You pick me up and show me the way
# Yeah
# You give me wings to fly my restless soul
# I got hands to hold but I can't let go
# Like an eagle flying through the night
# I'm coming back to what I know is right #
Morning, squire.
Morning.
Where you been, Fred?
For a ride.
Really?
Where's Grouch?
He's gone to pick some mushrooms.
He's fucking relentless, isn't he?
This coffee's disgusting. Who made it?
Grouchy made it. But get it down you, though. It will do you the world of good.
I'm fucking burned out, man.
That will be the country air for you.
Plus the T-bone you rolled last night.
I think that was the one, man.
Well, that and the scotch.
That was a big mistake.
You wanna go easy on yourself, though, Fred.
Don't beat yourself up.
A couple of drinks, a few spliffs. It will all be all right, mate.
You'll see. It'll be all right.
It don't always work out like that, Tyg.
Nah?
Nah.
Good morning, cucumbers.
- Morning, Grouch. - Morning, Grouch.
How did you get on?
surprisingly well, which is good, cos I was running low.
something quite bizarre happened.
(Fred) That can happen when you're doing mushrooms.
No. Mushrooms aside...
You didn't bump into them bikers, did you, Grouch? The, er, Wooden Mules?
Iron Horse Dematay.
I'll tell you something, they're not all village idiots, Tyg.
They're hard bastards, give anybody a good hiding just for fun and one you don't forget.
And if you do forget it, it means you're still in the coma.
Oh!
(Fred) What's wrong, Grouch?
Twizzle.
That's the bloke's name.
Podgy bastard. speaks funny.
Hard as an heart attack. I call him The Eyes.
And this is the guy you sold fake acid to, right?
Fred, I was all but in Jupiter while on a heavy speed come-down.
Now, that is a difficult craft to land.
- (Laughs) - (Fred) Let's put Twizzle aside.
What's this bizarre thing that just happened?
Mm.
Well, I wake up early this morning. A rare thing, granted.
Put a joint together, I listen to the land.
I let the day break in.
I am now ready to hunt the mushroom.
I just wandered around thinking of history,
battles, warriors,
on their way through these woods.
- Bit like us you mean, Grouch? - Yeah.
It's what I've always believed in,
warriors taking each day as it comes.
The hardest battle for me is the battle to try and retain free spirit.
I'm not sure I'm winning that war.
That aside...
I found the grass.
- Argh! - (Branches crack)
What grass? smoking grass, getting-stoned grass?
Yeah.
Are you sure?
(Grouch) Believe me, Fred, I'm a fucking expert on the subject.
(Inhales)
There is tons of the bloody stuff.
shoomafuckingmanoonoo.
Just growing wild, but that's the problem.
It's growing wild, none of it's bagged up.
- And what about this hippy? - Nowhere to be seen.
Typical fucking Chairman, eh?
so what do we do now?
Hang on a minute, lads.
I've got an idea.
(Motorbike chugs)
(Man) Think they'll show?
Knowing Iron Horse, they've probably still get their heads up their arses.
I'll tell Phil and Doey to mooch about in the van,
- see if there's any movement. - Right. Good idea.
You're telling me that some fuckwit hippy,
living in the middle of nowhere, growing tons of puff,
probably just for the hell of it,
has decided to go walkabout for the day?
Now, I dunno your angle on life, Fred,
but mine has changed coming down here.
- Really? - I wanna go stateside.
What, America?
No, Belgium. I'm fucking serious, Grouch.
Take this bloke.
If all he does is grow grass all day, then he can grow some more grass.
He can't be much good if he's just growing it outdoors.
No, no. It's good stuff. Chairman reckons it's been developed for this climate.
Well, that fits in with legalising it.
I mean, goes without saying, if they're gonna sell dope in Homebase,
they're gonna need to be a good, hardy perennial.
I couldn't give a fuck what the Chairman says on anything.
He doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
- And you do? - What?
Give a shit?
- Believe it or not, Grouch, I do. - Why?
Fate.
That's a bit of a long shot, Tyg.
Grouch.
Do you believe in God?
I believe...
God is Earth.
- And that all energy comes from the... - Enough, Grouch, thanks.
Well, let's just use this philosophy, yeah?
That we're the ones that are here now.
We've got the money and now we've got the grass.
Now, you say it ain't fate...
I say it'll fucking do for me.
so how do we get the grass back to London?
On the back of a fucking motorbike?
- Well, we nick a van, Fred. - It's not that easy round here, Tyg.
Everybody knows everybody.
That's the trouble with us. We're always putting obstacles up in our way.
We can do this, Fred.
We can take the gear down to London
and we can all do very well out of it for ourselves.
We give the Chairman back his dough and tell him we never found the hippy.
What do you reckon, Grouch?
Grouch?
'Ang on. Trying to get this roach in.
Twitchy, horrible.
There must be some fundamental philosophy here.
I mean, what about the garden furniture?
- Oh, fuck the garden furniture! - What garden furniture?
- He used to nick it for a living. - No.
- Yeah. - Can you get me a sun dial, Tyg?
No, I can't get you a fucking sun dial, Fred, I've retired.
I've moved into the narcotics trade.
Anyway, let's get back to business.
All I wanna do is try and earn enough money to move on,
move forward, open another door.
Please.
I'll do it. Under one condition.
Anything happens and this hippy does pop up,
nobody gets hurt, right?
No violence.
Yeah, that's good for me, yeah.
In for a penny, in for a pound.
Grouch.
No one says that any more.
I do.
(Laughs)
Right.
Let's go and get some grass, eh?
Grouch.
Oh, fuck.
- What do you think? - Yeah.
- Yeah, very Jesse James. - Yeah?
Listen, girls, you two were told to go and look for Iron Horse.
so get in the van and go and look.
Very Jesse James, eh?
Now!
- All right. - Fucking later.
Hang on a minute, Grouchy. Lay down, have a breather.
You just got back.
The grass can't be that far away.
so try and think landmarks, something that might jar the brain.
I can't seem to think straight.
sorry, boys.
It's all right, it's all right.
I mean, no wonder he can't think straight,
cos he usually has to be completely mashed to think about things.
No, I don't.
I'll tell you what, why don't we take some mushrooms?
Oh, I think I've had enough mushrooms.
You've never had enough mushrooms.
Then we'll take some speed.
Then we'll roll a few T-bones.
Have a couple of drinks.
What we've got to do is use this time...
constructively.
Are you doing some as well?
We're all gonna do some, ain't we, Fred?
Oh, fuck.
What?
I haven't got any skins.
How am I gonna roll any joints?
Do you really need to?
Of course he does, Fred. Every worker needs his tools.
What we'll do, it's gonna be a while before the 'shrooms start kicking in, yeah?
so...
we'll go down to the village shop.
I'm starving.
Er. Oh, they've just gone.
They've been here, but they've gone.
Er, they said something about having a quick drink.
seemed very nice.
Ooh! You bikers.
More of you.
What's she talking about, Fred? There's only three of us. she's mental.
- Good morning. - They say it's going to rain later.
Be nice for the garden.
Come far?
- sorry? - Have you come far?
- London. - Ooh.
(Fred) Grouch, what colour Rizlas do you want? Red, green or blue?
I used to live round here.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Oh. Whereabouts?
Not far.
My - my mother-in-law, she used to say, "Fred"...
That's my name, Fred. What's your name?
- Oh, my name's Myfanwy Bennett. - Myfanwy.
she used to say, "Fred, living in London I just don't understand.
"Because when you're down here, it's like living in God's pocket."
Oh, that's right. That's quite right.
Excuse me, could I have the takings out of the till,
a copy of Housewives Extreme, please?
Only joking.
Could I have 40 fags, a Crunchie and a Twix?
I'll have a Crunchie too and a packet of Maltesers.
I'll tell you what, sweetheart,
could I have a packet of Maltesers, please?
There you go.
What kind of crisps you got?
Crisps? Erm, we've got prawn cocktail, cheese and onion, beef and onion,
- salted... - I will have a packet of beef and onion.
And I'll have a packet of prawn cocktails, my love.
Do you have any Monster Munch?
Are you a little monster, then?
(Laughs) They're very popular with the children, you know.
Could I have chilli and possibly tomato ketchup?
If I could, I'd like to change my Maltesers for a Crunchie.
- I'd also like some liquorice allsorts. - (Myfanwy) Liquorice allsorts.
(Fred) I'd like a Picnic as well.
And I would like, actually, another packet of prawn cocktail. They're really, really nice.
- (Tyg) They are, aren't they? - (Fred) Yeah.
Can I have two packets of scampi Fries
and two tins of Diet Coke?
Please.
- Why are you having Diet Coke? - I'm getting fat.
- (Laughs) - stop it.
- I am. - There we are.
You have eaten a lot of avocados lately.
Do you have any scotch eggs by any chance, Mrs...
- Welsh lady. - No, we have no call for them.
- I love a scotch egg. - she's lovely, isn't she?
Hey, it all happens when you're away.
(Tyg) What's that, Grouchy?
some nutter's trying to make a name for himself.
Rode his Harley D
- through the front of Planet Hollywood. - What for?
Well, he's saying his main objective was to harm Bruce Willis
with a machete or a chisel after being refused entry to a party the night before.
I wonder if your mate Mole was there.
says here he was out of his brain on a cocktail of drugs.
That explains everything. He's more likely one of those obsessive fans.
- Terrible, innit? - Terrible it is.
- All those drugs about. - Yes.
(Tuts)
Could I have a packet of Rizlas, please?
Course you can. Here we are.
Where are you going, Fred?
Just gonna make a call.
Chairman?
No. No.
(Girl) Hello?
'Ere, Fred, I think the Grouch has finally come up.
You have if anyone has, Tyg.
Can see it in your eyes.
You look pretty much out of it, Fred.
I'm out of it, man.
I'm well out of it.
Let's just go back to where we were and figure out...
Let's...
Let's figure out where we're gonna hide this gear.
Which way did we come?
Don't know. Follow Fred.
- Bollocks. - It was back down that way, weren't it?
Yeah, I think it was down here.
- Are you sure, Fred? - Yeah, definitely.
Positive, definite, totally sure, like defo?
Yeah, defo. Down here.
shall we get one in at the boozer, then?
I don't know if I want to go to the boozer.
One drink and I'll sniff out this dope for you. Just a quick one, Fred.
Get the old... (sniffs)
nose all fired up.
Come on.
(Tyg giggles)
Must be your round, Fred.
Are you having a laugh? I'm not getting them in.
Why not?
Why do you think?
Get them in, Tyg.
Nah.
It was your idea, Grouchy.
I can't cope with the geezer behind the bar.
He looks like a frog.
(They laugh)
He does, doesn't he?
Oh.
Well... (Laughs)
Well, someone's gotta ask. And someone's got to go and...
I ain't talking to no frog.
Go on, Fred.
OK, I'll get them in.
I'll get them in, only... only if we have all... we all the same, right?
- Nothing complicated. - Yeah.
I'll have a vodka, tonic, ice, slice and a packet of pistachios, please.
I'll have a bitter with a Jack Daniels chaser and a Dubonnet.
(Laughs)
Gimme a break for fuck's sake, would you?
Just get three pints of your local bitter.
(Laughs)
Please.
Ribbit.
(Laughs)
(Flies buzzing)
(Barman gulps)
Excuse me.
Erm...
Erm, could I...
Could we have...
er, three pints of your best badger bollocks, Mr Frog?
(They laugh)
(Grouch) These mushrooms are a bit tricky.
Couldn't handle the pub.
This is where you should be at.
In the countryside.
(Tyg) That's it. Stateside.
I could do well over there.
I could open a boozer.
(Fred) I should have spoken to her.
I should have said something.
Come on, let's not get depressed.
Fuck me, these 'shrooms are coming on strong.
(Grouch) I can only seem to think of my woman.
Fuck, she's got hold of me.
(Fred) How many of these mushrooms did we do?
Shall I try and count them in my head?
(Grouch) Am I starting to get paranoid? How can I?
I'm a veteran of these things.
(Tyg) The Bonneville Bar.
Or the Commando Cafe.
I'll go down a storm in the States.
(Grouch) Yeah, that's better. Made myself laugh.
(Fred) Actually, I'm glad I didn't speak to her.
I don't want my kid to see me like this.
I don't wanna her seeing me like this, when I'm like this.
(Grouch) Laughing's very important for the human condition.
(Tyg) Get somewhere right out in the middle of nowhere.
Like the way Vegas started out.
(Grouch) Cor. These 'shrooms are really going up a gear.
But they won't crack me up.
(Revs motorbike)
Yes!
I only took a couple.
Me too.
I'm feeling fucking mad.
Must have been the mushrooms I put in the coffee this morning.
strong bastards.
What's that?
What's what?
I don't know. I... I... I...
I thought I saw something.
Well, obviously you saw something.
Why?
Because there's lots of things to look at.
so just by looking, you'd have seen something.
- What? - There's something down there.
There's things up there, things we don't know about.
Fuck!
What?
- I've read about this. - What?
Tripping?
- Nah. - What?
What? What is it? What is wrong, Tyg?
Don't fuck about.
I'm gonna go.
- I'm gonna combust. - No, you're not.
This is the start of the internal fire.
Oh, leave it out, Tyg.
- What have you got, Tyg? - A burning foot!
- so have I. - Have you?
Yeah. What about you, Fred?
The thing up there has to do it.
so have I, Fred. Just stamp your foot.
Yeah. There is definitely something down there.
That's what triggers it. stamping your foot starts the internal fire. I'm gonna burn!
When it reaches your brain!
Is there a river nearby?
Too late for that. Argh! My bollocks have gone all funny!
- Go! Go! - My lungs are burning!
- same here. - We're gonna blow up!
- Have we blown up? - I dunno.
(Roar)
(Tyres screech)
(Crash and horn)
- (Horn sounds continuously) - What are you doing, you fucking nutter?
Honestly, it was... some sort of cat.
(Woman) He's got me, Lionel.
He's taken me away.
Fuck.
(Woman) Help me, Lionel.
Help me, Lionel. Help me, flower.
Don't look into his eyes, Lionel.
For God's sake, don't look!
Lionel, don't look into his eyes!
Look away, Lionel! Look away!
(Horn sounds continuously)
(Horn stops)
- Right. That's it. I'm off. - What are you doing?
- No, that's fucking it. I'm off home. - Eh?
- No. - No bastard's doing this to me.
- I'm going back to London. - You can't go anywhere.
- I have to. - Grouch.
No, I'm OK, but I have to go.
Grouch, you can't go.
sorry.
But I love her.
(Laughs)
- You love her? - Who?
Lucinda.
I've got to get back to Lucinda.
You don't know anyone called Lucinda. You're a fucking nutter.
- I do. - Grouch.
There's no such thing as Lucinda.
(Whispers) Must be some kind of codename.
- Fred's right. - I know her, honestly.
We're gonna live together, we're gonna make babies.
I'm moving into her place this week. she's an advertising executive.
Fuck off, Grouch.
- (Laughs) - (Fred) Grouch, you can't go back.
What about the weed?
Going to London. I have to.
I think I really love her.
Bye.
He's serious, in't he, Fred?
Grouch! Grouchy!
(Laughs)
Fred.
Maybe they've taken him.
You're right.
That could have been his codename they call.
Lucinda.
As soon as I heard that name,
I knew he was gonna be a goner.
I really liked that bloke.
Chop on, Grouch.
Chop on, soldier!
(Man) Five, four, three, two, one.
Listen. Today is Guzz's day.
No matter what the outcome, wherever you and me are in the future,
be it Mallory, Cadwell, Brands,
or at the Ace Cafe,
we will remember him.
He was one of us.
He was cruelly torn from us.
He was one of our brothers.
so...
when the time comes,
we'll leave the bikes here, we'll take what we need,
and we'll meet him at the cross, OK?
(All) Yeah!
- For Guzz. - (All) For Guzz!
- I said, "For Guzz". - (All) For Guzz.
- For Guzz! - (All) For Guzz!
- Roger Bailey, biochemist. - Eh?
- What are you doing, Grouch? - signed up.
- What? - TA. I've signed up.
- What about Lucinda, Grouch? - TA now.
- What's that, Grouch? - Territorial Army on active duty.
- Ready for war, boys? - Yeah!
- Fred. - Whatever you say, Grouch.
- Roger Bailey, sir. - Yes, sir!
David Green. Anger management counsellor, sir.
Andrew Baker, chef, sir!
Operation Hashish.
- Gotta go check on grass. - Yes, sir.
Complicated stuff, but you're good, use your head, not your hearts.
- sir! - Yes, sir. We will not let you down, sir.
Now keep your heads down and move like fucking leopards.
- sir! - Everything's against us.
Them.
Whoever.
What do we do when we locate the target, sir?
Observe for a while then unleash hell!
something funny, soldier?
No, sir. Just a touch of nerves, sir!
OK, soldier.
Let's get this straight. I'm the boss here.
Yes, sir!
You're not in Civvy street now, son.
Let's get organised.
- Nice straight line. Chop, chop. - (Laughs)
Chop, chop.
(Grouch) Unleash hell!
Cut it. Cut it.
Let's have a look around, yeah?
- Oh, is that an orchid? - No. No, it's an iris.
Look the same to me.
- sh. - (Growl)
Fuck off, Doey.
(Growls)
(Imaginary gunshot)
(Imaginary helicopter)
(Imaginary gunfire)
(Whistles)
(Imaginary helicopter)
Oh, fuck.
Don't let her see you like this, Grouchy.
It's not good, mate. Just keep your head down and get to the grass.
Come on, you. Bag it.
Where do you think you're going, sweet pea?
I dunno. I'm just going to the bar to get a drink.
I... I mean, I'm going to get my bike MOT'd.
I mean, I'll be back in a minute.
I just... I just gotta go and have a...
Oh, God. I've gotta get straight!
sorry!
sorry, sorry, sorry.
Did you put this here?
This is fucking mad.
No, Tyg.
This is fucking fate.
This is serious fucking fate.
Rise to it, my son.
(Woman's voice) When you stop pissing about.
When you realise you're a grown man, that you're a father.
Then why don't you come and see your daughter?
But until then, why should you get to know her?
Thank you.
(Mobile phone rings)
It's Iron Horse, they've got the van. We're in a jungle.
- You're where? - They sent scouts in.
- OK. - There are gooks everywhere.
- We're on. - This is it.
All right. We're on. Grab your weapons.
(sulph) Right. Let's give them a fucking good hiding.
Operation Hashish successful.
Jesus Christ.
I... I am seeing this, aren't I?
Mad, isn't it?
Beautifully fucking mad.
What a plant.
That's what I like about hippies,
they know no limits.
Get straight.
- Gotta get straight. - OK.
say it. say "I'm straight" and you'll be straight.
- I'm straight. - I'm straight.
I'm straight!
I'm shait!
- straight. - straight.
- straight! - straight.
I want to be straight.
God, I'm straight!
Man, I'm fucking bonkers!
You're straight. You're straight.
straight. straight.
straight.
straight. I'm a fucking bandit!
That's what I am. A bandit.
- A what? - Bandits, we're bandits.
No.
We're not, we're not, we're not, we're not. We're just on mushrooms.
I can't go back to London.
You've gotta go back, Grouch.
You've gotta go back. Where's Tyg?
Where's Tyg? Tyg! Tyg!
I love Lucinda.
I really, really love her.
But she's gonna make me respectable.
We're too different.
I need to keep moving, keep my freedom.
Don't you go on me, soldier.
Don't you go on me because you're as free as a bird, baby.
You're as free as a bird.
# If I leave here tomorrow
# Would you still remember me?
(Imitates guitar)
# Cos I must be travelling on now
# Cos there's too many places I've gotta be
- # see - # see
# But if I stay here with you, girl
# Things just couldn't be the same
# Cos I'm as free as a bird now
# I'm the bird you cannot change
# Whoa-oh, whoa-oh, whoa-oh
# I'm the bird you cannot change
# Lord knows I gotta change
(Imaginary explosions)
# Free bird #
Come on, soldier, come on, soldier.
I gotcha.
Wow.
(Fred) Tyg.
Fred. Get him in the van. Lively!
- Where do you get it? - It's fate. Fucking fate!
Fill it, fill it.
(Growling)
(Mobile phone rings)
- (Whispers) Yeah? - Yeah. I'm at the camp.
Where's Doey?
What do you mean he's disappeared?
- (screams) - (Roars)
- (Distant screams) - Yeah.
- There's only three bikes. - Just three of 'em?
OK. Listen.
Burn them, move out of there and get to the cross.
All right.
Mm. Welsh coffee.
Grouchy, don't touch nothing.
Right, Fred, let's go.
(Tyg) Fred, Fred. What are you doing, son?
(Whistles)
Paying our way, mate.
- Just paying our way. - Homeward bound. Come on.
Come on.
Come on, lads.
This way.
Fred.
What do you think that is?
It's nothing. We're tripping. Keep going.
Keep down.
- (Tyg) I can't cope with much more... - (They scream)
(Distant screams)
Get off!
I'm gonna go out, Tyg. I'm going out, Tyg!
Let me out.
Get him out of here!
Fuck off!
slam on the fucking brakes!
Fred, it's my bike.
(Whistles)
Come on.
(Fred) Left.
Right. sharp right.
sharp... The other way.
Left, left.
stop the van. stop the van!
Fuck me, Fred, these mushrooms are mustard.
(Iron Horse chant)
Oi.
It's our van.
Get down, you...
How the fuck did we get here?
You do the same kind of favour for the same kind of person,
for the same kind of crappy reasons.
And end up in the same kind of situation.
(Iron Horse) Ooh!
so what are we going to do now, Fred?
I... I think there's... There's a few too many of them, Fred. I mean...
I'll have it.
Are you fucking serious?
No, no.
War... Warzone?
Can we do this in English, please?
Look, you and I both know
behind those trees and bushes over there is a load of your blokes
waiting to attack me and my men.
I might not be able to see them, but we both know they're there.
We're not with any blokes.
Can I try and explain this as best I can?
We came down here to do a deal...
with someone who never showed.
All I've done is get pissed as usual, stoned as usual,
and face up to fuck all as usual.
Also, right now,
I'm tripping on mushrooms.
If anyone needs to get a hold of me and sort me out...
it's me.
I'd really appreciate it if you and your boys would give me that chance.
If you come down here to do a deal, you do a deal with me.
Everything, everything as far as the eye can see round here, it's mine.
And no-one goes out of here with anything without my say-so.
so get your money out and we'll do a deal.
Get your money out.
so you're big-time then?
The M4, the bridge and England are that way.
(snorts)
(Whispers) What's going on, sulph? I mean, who is he?
- What's he doing with our van? - (sulph) shut up. I'm trying to think.
(Whispers) Oi. It's full of bloody grass!
Get down!
(Laughing) Grass!
What's so fucking funny? (Echoing)
It's all grass. (Echoing)
- sweet? - Just shut the fuck up and drive.
(Guttural roar)
Twizzle. Chill out, man!
(Y ells)
(Roaring)
Ooh, shit!
(Whimpering)
- (Roaring continues) - Fucking hell!
(All yelling)
(Noise fades)
(Panting)
Where's my bloody van?
It's full of grass.
- (Tapping) Freddy. - What?
(Laughs) Look.
I... I think that might be him.
- Who? - The hippy.
Well, do you think we should tell him what's gone on?
(Chuckles)
Fred?
I know what I know.
I know three things.
Be true.
Listen.
Change.
Oh, and there's a fourth thing.
Try and help others and not just yourselves.
Did something quite spiritual happen then?
Nah.
Just a bit of common sense.
Grouchy?
Put a nice joint together, son.
I think I'm starting to come down a little bit.
Well, I'm levelling out.
Me too.
(Grouch) All right!
Hey! Ha!
I knew you were real! Yeah, man!
Whoo-hoo!
It's the cat, Tyg!
(Tyg) Grouch, get in. shut up about that silly pussycat.
(# Lynyrd Skynyrd: Free Bird)
(Chairman on answerphone) Sorry I wasn't there when you got back, Fred.
I can't believe you couldn't find that hippy.
Now, I need a favour. Need someone to nip over to Ireland for me.
I'll drop by for a drink tonight. We'll talk about it.
- Morning, Terrence. - Morning, Frederick.
That's a nice bit of kit, mate.
- It's a Mike Hailwood replica. - Mike The Bike?
shame. He was the guv'nor, wasn't he?
He was my favourite.
- Where are you off to? Not Wales again. - Yeah.
How are you crossing? New bridge or old bridge?
New bridge this time.
You like it up there, don't ya?
Yeah. Yeah, I do.
- I'll see you soon, Terry. - Ta-ta, Fred.
# If I leave here tomorrow
# Would you still remember me?
(Grouch) Sorry babes, I'm just taking one last trip.
I will return. Love, Grouch.
# Cos there's too many places I've got to see
# Cos I'm as free as a bird now...
so, which way are we going, Tyg? North, east, south?
It's got to be south, Grouch.
Not only has it got to be south, it's got to be Mardi Gras.
(Chuckles) Let's have it.
(# Towers of London: Free Bird)
# I can change, I can change
# I can change
# I can change, I can change
# I can change
# Bye-bye, it's been a sweet love
# Though this feeling I can't change
# But please don't take it badly
# Cos Lord knows that I'm to blame
# But if I stayed here with you, girl
# Things just couldn't be the same
# And this bird, you'll never change
# Lord knows I can't change
# Lord help me, I can't change
# If I leave here tomorrow
# Would you still remember me?
# For I must be travelling on now
# There's too many places I've got to see
# But if I stayed here with you, girl
# Things just couldn't be the same
# Cos I'm as free as a bird now
# And this bird, you cannot change
# Lord help me, I can't change
# I can't change, I can't change
# I can't change
# I can't change, I can't change
# I can't change
# I can't change, I can't change
# I can't change
# I can't change, I can't change
# I can't change
# I can't change, I can't change
# I can't change
# No, no, no, no
# No!
# I can't change, I can't change
# I can't change... #